*
Pages: [1]
  Print  
Author Topic: Here it all is. (Edit 3/19/09)  (Read 507 times)
Wyatt4prez
EG Game Specialist
Honorary EG Master
*

Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 2420


EG's classic rock addict.


« on: July 01, 2008, 09:30:02 PM »

All this i have posted is subject to change.   Grin

The bitter smoke swirling in the air had just vanished into the death and dark encrusted night as Bruenn had sat onto the seemingly sturdy carved dead wood log. Sifting through the soot and embers to keep a steady dim on the fire bright enough to see, Bruenn had been poking at the burning pile of ash long enough to decide it had been diminished. Tugging his tattered and stained deer hide cloak he bent over to grab his rifle, which he had nicknamed Martha. Martha was a rather beautiful and angelic object to behold in what was now Eona. Martha had been crafted by Bruenn’s grandfather - a master blacksmith. Bruenn’s name was engraved on the right gold plated panel in the midst of  angled lines, curves and indistinguishable figures. He pulled Martha, which was his only friend and companion closer to him and held it like a little girl holds her doll after a nightmare, or how a merchant holds his coin. He had turned to his tent, a bear-hide insulated canvas cover that had endured endless torture from the wind, rain and hail. He slowly paced himself toward it, with his rifle still in hand. After creeping quietly from the dead log to his tent Bruenn sat down on the tanned hide and cluttered leaves he called home and gently placed Martha next to his bed as if it was going to sleep. He noticed his satchel was where it had always been, hidden behind a ripped part of the canvas which had fallen inward.

-------------------------------------------

After it's over,
once it's done.
No accusations
just sensational sun.

Your world
her world
our world
my world

No more bikes to ride
or walls to climb
paths to walk
or bells to chyme.
-------------------------------------------------------

Here your troubles are over
under the sunshine cover
Here your troubles are over
in the land like no other.
-------------------------------------------------------

Hey you, up in the sky
Why wont you come down?
I wanna fly.

I'm running on empty
trekking through mud
and the blossoming sun
isn't making it much fun.

I'm stuck on the ground
holding a frown.
yearning for more
but only burning my sore.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Rest on the clouds
settle in the sun
Whatever you want
we'll get ya done.
------------------------------------------------
I call this song 'Onrefni Nus'

In this inferno you were born.
While your upbringing; others scorn
In this inferno you were raised
While others laid; you are praised.

Inferno sun,
Inferno none,
Inferno son,
Inferno one.

You were taught not to leave.
Others were brought, but to naive
When I left for you to lead
I expected nothing but to be pleased

(Chorus)

Once, upone my return i bring
nothing at all but wondering
For what to know, what to see
Will anything be for me to lead?
----------------------------------------


Samples of my newer stuff.
Any kind of comment is welcome.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2009, 11:19:08 PM by Wyatt4prez » » Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
I never sleep, I am forever waiting....watching. Silent and still just as intended. You will not find me. You will not win.
swsmailman
EG Orbital Drop Shock Trooper


Offline Offline

Posts: 3294


« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2008, 09:32:16 PM »

wow very well done
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
Sig Made By Me
Wyatt4prez
EG Game Specialist
Honorary EG Master
*

Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 2420


EG's classic rock addict.


« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2008, 09:37:26 PM »

^^ thanks.
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
I never sleep, I am forever waiting....watching. Silent and still just as intended. You will not find me. You will not win.
EG Haggard Spartan
Krogan Battlemaster
Legendary Member

XBL: Haggard Spartan

Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 3888


The word bed actually looks like a bed.


« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2008, 08:14:47 AM »

its good but heres what i suggest.

You dont give the reader any time to reflect on what happens...especially in the tent. You see the red eye and boom knife, run, gone. Build up that suspense a lot more and give more though on describing that scene in greater detail.
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login

The people who survive the sword will find favor in the desert,
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt,
I am the painter making this mess a masterpiece.
I will rebuild you up again.
Wyatt4prez
EG Game Specialist
Honorary EG Master
*

Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 2420


EG's classic rock addict.


« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2009, 07:21:12 AM »

Bump for sweet justice.
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
I never sleep, I am forever waiting....watching. Silent and still just as intended. You will not find me. You will not win.
Keetmanshoop
Citadel Security
Legendary Member


Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 3762

Shhh. My common sense is tingling.


« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2009, 04:38:02 PM »

Samples of my newer stuff.
Any kind of comment is welcome.

Stacy Keibler has nice legs.

Seriously, though, I like all of it, particularly the final descriptions of Bruenn. In "Hey you, up in the sky" I read soul instead of sore and then noticed it was sore but read it as soul when I went through it again. I'm weird like like that.
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
Wyatt4prez
EG Game Specialist
Honorary EG Master
*

Offline Offline

Achievements:
EG Founder Member
Posts: 2420


EG's classic rock addict.


« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2009, 09:25:58 PM »

I was really hoping you would like it. Thank very much.

 Grin
Logged

You are not allowed to view images.
Please register or login
I never sleep, I am forever waiting....watching. Silent and still just as intended. You will not find me. You will not win.
Pages: [1]
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Recent

TinyPortal v1.0 beta 4 © Bloc
Page created in 0.162 seconds with 37 queries.