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[EG Haggard Spartan]

Quagmire - "Are you kidding me? I have been having sex with every single female in the entire town! I bet...I bet if I tried to masturbate right now a little flag would come out with the word "Bang!" on it.
Joe - "HA!"

Major Adam West - "Yay I'm mayor again!"
Guy #1 - "Don't we have to have a whole new re-election?"
*Mayor shoots Guy #1* - "Did any1 hear that?"
Guy #2 - "All of us heard him say it."
*Mayor shoots Guy #2* - "Any1 else hear that?"
Guy #3 - "My wife did."

Peter - "Sorry Lois I can't go to the movies tonight, I'm hanging with Cleveland."
Lois - "But Peter. We had this date planned for a while."
*Peter and Cleveland walk away."
Brian - "I, would eat your Poo."

[Red Intensity]

Spongebob: *screaming* I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!.... *repeats*
Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

Patrick: I wumbo. You wumbo. He- she- me... wumbo. Wumbo; Wumboing; We'll have thee wumbo; Wumborama; Wumbology; the study of Wumbo. It's first grade, Spongebob!

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjn6cvSZpHY
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[Sean Abdullatif]

"Whatever my wife touches falls off, so you can imagine how worried I am."
- Ray in Getting Even

Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

[Keetmanshoop]

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

And this scene.	Small | Large

[EG Haggard Spartan]

LoL Family Guy has the best quotes I swear...

[Red Intensity]

I was looking for this quote yesterday:

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

[Keetmanshoop]

I was looking for this quote yesterday:

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

I saw the whole scene play out in my mind as I read that. That show will be one of my favorites all my life.

[Omarrrrrrr]

Just go watch Home Alone 2. That is the best movie...

[Keetmanshoop]

Lies and slander!

[Red Intensity]

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

[Rogeezy-E]

ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!

[X-Pac]

Jack: Eric?
Eric: [dressed like Noah] No, not Eric, not anymore
Jack: OK that's fine... ok, what is your name *now*?
Eric: Plays With Squirrels

[DUDE SLAYER]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSLAIKjT7y8
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"at least my mom took me to NASCAR!"
 

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